Ryan the Great was born on January 24th, 1986, at San Jose General Hospital in San Jose, California. He went to preschool at a school whose name Ryan no longer remembers. Even in preschool it was obvious that Ryan was a genius. He once built a model of a DNA strand out of Legos.
He moved the year before enrolled in kindergarten. He enrolled in Cherrywood Elementary. In kindergarten, his teacher was Miss Clark. He liked kindergarten very much, as the classroom was totally awesome. It had everything, including but not limited to playhouses up near the ceiling that you climbed ladders to get to. In first grade, his teacher, Miss Mar, hated him, but he never found out why. He suspects that she hated him because she was a feminazi bull-dyke (big time) and she didn’t like how manly little Ryan James Wilson was. In second grade, Ryan began using computers, and he would soon become the computer genius of his family. His teacher in second grade was Mr. Newman. Second grade was not a fun year for Ryan, as the other children were mean to him.
Near the end of his second grade year, Ryan’s house was burglarized while he was at school, and his parents at work. In the summer between second and third grade, Ryan moved to Redding. He enrolled in Sycamore Elementary School in Westwood Village. The school was right down the street from his house, so it was very convenient. Every morning, he would walk to school, taking five minutes on average, most likely. He liked his new school very much. Sycamore was much more technologically advanced than Cherrywood was. Ryan’s third grade teacher was Mrs. Deck. He made a good friend in third grade, named Marshall DeWitt.
Ryan used to ride his bike along a trail next to the A.C.I.D. canal frequently. One day, as he was riding his bike, along with his imaginary friend, Admiral William Fitzmaurice, when suddenly there was a great splash of water that knocked them both off of their bikes. There, right in front of Ryan Wilson, was the Loch Ness Monster! Wilson said, “what do you want, monster?!” The monster stared at him with those black, beady, predatory eyes, opened its gaping maw, exposing sharp, flesh-tearing teeth, and said, “about three fifty.” Wilson now knew what he was up against—a panhandler. He played it cool and said, “I don’t have any money, monster.” Admiral Fitzmaurice began to pull out his wallet, but Ryan slapped his hand, stopping him, and then they both sped away on their bikes.
  In fourth grade, Ryan’s teacher was Mr. Adams at the beginning of the year, and then Miss Park at the end, after Adams left. Miss Park was another lesbian, but she didn’t hate Ryan, so Ryan was cool with her.
One day, Ryan was watching TV in his living room when the doorbell rang. He opened the door and found a cute little Girl Scout standing there. She said, “Would you like to buy some cookies?” “Sure, how much?” Ryan responded. “About three fifty,” replied the Girl Scout. Now, it was about that time that Ryan realized that that cute little Girl Scout was a seventeen-foot tall plesiosaur from the Mesozoic era. He shouted, “damnit, monster, I work for my money! I can’t just give three fifty to every dinosaur I come across! Why don’t you get a job?” And that was when the Morlocks attacked.
In fifth grade, Ryan was blighted with a terrible and aptly named teacher—Mrs. Butcher. She was a cruel, not to mention insane teacher. She banned Ryan from the computers because he opened the encyclopedia and looked up Elvis. Yes, that’s all there is to it. He wasn’t even supposed to be doing anything else at the time, because he was done with his work. There were many other things he did, but Ryan’s memory fails him in regards to most of the details. She was a horrible bitch, and Ryan Wilson still holds a grudge against her to this day. Two or three years later, when Ryan’s brother, Reece was in Butcher’s class, Ryan found out that the insane bitch was stockpiling goods such as toilet paper for the impending Armageddon of the Y2K bug. Preteen Ryan Wilson knew that that whole thing was foolishness, so he laughed most heartily when nothing happened on New Year’s Day and the insane bitch was stuck with metric tons of toilet paper, canned foods, and hundreds of chickens.
Ryan went to WES Camp while he was in fifth grade. One day, he was climbing a cliff, most likely to do something manly, like take a leak off of it. When he reached the top of the cliff, he was confronted by a giant grizzly bear. Each of its paws were as big as Ryan’s upper body, and standing on its hind legs, it would have been at eye level with the roof of a one story house. The bear lunged at Ryan, but he kept his cool and dodged the bear’s attack. Next, he jumped on the bear and began wrestling it. After three hours of hand-to-paw combat, Ryan wore the bear out. After that, the bear was Ryan’s loyal friend. Ryan named him Genghis.
For sixth grade, Ryan went to Turtle Bay. His teacher was a Hawaiian named Mr. Edralin, or Mr. Ed for short. He was a good guy, and he was Ryan’s favorite teacher up to that point. That year, he made friends with Jason Mitchell. Marshall had moved to Tennessee the year before. Jason quickly became Ryan’s best friend. Ryan also lost the last of his baby teeth while he was in sixth grade.
While Ryan was in sixth grade, he discovered that he had flying powers. He started flying around the house all the time, and every night he would fly to Neverland (the fairytale one, not the Michael Jackson one). He had many great adventures with Peter, Wendy, (who is hot, I might add), Tink, and the Lost Boys
While Mr. Ed was cool, there were other teachers—Ryan’s seventh grade teachers—who rivaled Mr. Bunton in dickheadedness. In order of how much they need to die, Mrs. Cole and Mrs. Ranken were the worst. Mrs. Cole once freaked out because I had taped a red milk jug cap to my shirt. It was wear red day, and I hadn’t worn any, so I found a red milk jug cap sitting on a counter in the classroom, and then Mrs. Fucking Bitch—I mean Cole—starts yelling at me and threatens to report me for theft. Damnit, now I’m all worked up. This autobiography is bringing up far too much anger and bitterness that I thought I had buried really well. Anyway, being the timid, shy preteen that I was, I just cowered in fear. I was a totally different person back then. I was very reclusive, and I would never dare talk back to an authority figure, even if they were being a psychotic fucking bitch. Now I just want to see her out in public someday and be like, “hey! Guess what! You’re a stupid fucking bitch you G*ddamned psychopath! I hope you die a horrible fucking fiery death wherein you suffer as much as is humanly possible! You are one of the most pathetic pieces of shit I have ever had the extreme misfortune of encountering! You have nothing better to do than intimidate little kids. What the fuck is your problem you stupid fucking whore?! Did your dad molest you when you were a little girl, so you have some kind of disorder that makes you a piece of shit, or do you just enjoy being like that? Fucking die!” Wow, it felt really good to put that on paper.
Now, Mrs. Ranken on the other hand wasn’t nearly as awful as Mrs. Cole, and hence I don’t wish Mrs. Ranken any specific harm. She had the occasional violent mood swing where she’d be a bitch, but she can’t even begin to compete with the psychotic whore-bitchery of Mrs. Cole. She’d be a bitch to us because of some trumped up charges sometimes, but it wasn’t that bad. Plus, I enjoyed the history that she taught us. Shoot, I started speaking in the first person. That’s what happens when Ryan Wilson gets upset—shit goes crazy.
Ryan met some nice people in seventh grade, the most notable of whom are Amanda Wiseman, Meghan Flynn, Summer Michael, and Tyler Swanson.  Turtle Bay was a nice school despite the teachers, and Ryan liked it very much. For medieval days, Ryan rented a wizard costume. It was the first time Ryan had really dressed up in costume other than for Halloween.
Sadly, Ryan’s wicked parents forced him to go to Sequoia Middle School for eighth grade, because they didn’t have to drive him there, since he could take the bus. SMS is a heartless demon of a school. He didn’t like many of the people there and he didn’t really like many of the teachers. That school made him long for the day he would be rescued by Shasta.
Ryan’s math teacher at Sequoia, Miss Thompson, was yet another bull-dyke. She hated him, probably for the same reasons as Miss Mar. She was even worse than Miss Mar in her treatment of him because a middle school teacher can get away with more shit—especially at that Sequoia hellhole—than an elementary school teacher can. He learned absolutely nothing in her class because the stupid dyke refused to answer Ryan Wilson’s questions. So Ryan was screwed in regards to math for the next few years.
Ryan’s CORE teacher was Mrs. Adams (no relation to the fifth grade teacher) for the beginning and end of the year. She was pregnant, so she took maternity leave for a few months. Meanwhile, her sister, Mrs. Ricketts taught the class. They were both good teachers.
P.E. was unimportant, so Ryan won’t bother talking about it. Ryan’s science teacher was an ambiguously gay man named Mr. Helmbold. He wore pastel colors nearly every day. One combination he frequently wore was lavender pants and a pink shirt. The odd thing was, he was married and had a baby. Either that or he was really good at photo editing.
Ryan’s computer teacher was Mrs. Nelson. She was a good teacher, and that was definitely Ryan’s favorite class. It was also the class that produced the daily bulletin. Ryan landed a job as technical director, and it was good.
Ryan met some new friends that year, because Jason had moved to Roseville the previous summer. Ryan met David and Tony Rogers and Adam Peltier. Ryan also met people like Amy Pettus (his hero, next to General Patton), and Alicia MacMaines.
In eighth grade, Ryan Wilson began to have flashbacks. Ryan would go into a trance, and in his mind he was in Vietnam or the Spanish-American War or something like that. Sometimes he would startle the class by screaming “Charlie in the tree line!” or, “Remember the Maine!” His teachers told him that he wasn’t allowed to have flashbacks to wars he was never in, but he told them, “When you’ve spent a year in the trenches fighting the Alleyman, then and only then can you tell me that I can’t have flashbacks.” And that settled that. Wilson’s grandpa from his mother’s side died that year.
In ninth grade, Ryan Wilson joined the Shasta High school football team because he felt that it would help him gain the respect of his peers. It did. Football was really tough the first year he did it because he had never done any strenuous sports before. He did little league when he was a little kid, but it didn’t even begin to compare. His football coach was Coach Harmon.
Ryan’s English teacher was Mr. Steinbergs. He was an okay teacher. Unfortunately Ryan had to watch the crappy 1960’s Romeo and Juliet in his class. Now, Ryan hates Romeo and Juliet in the first place, but he hates the 1960’s Romeo and Juliet with a passion. Ryan Wilson’s favorite part is when they both die.
Ryan’s math teacher was an old man named Mr. Turner. He was an okay math teacher, but Ryan didn’t learn much in his class.
Ms. Youngman was Ryan Wilson’s French—I mean Freedom—teacher. She was a good teacher, but she was socially inept. She was lonely because she didn’t have any love in her life. She was a decent looking young woman, but as I said, she was socially inept. She told the class about how, for fun she would put her cat in a pillowcase and swing it around. She said that the cat liked it, but Ryan doesn’t think anyone believed her. At the end of the year, she moved back to Georgia to be with her family.
Ryan’s intro to social science teacher was Mr. Makinson. He is a pervert, and that’s all that needs to be said about that.
Ryan Wilson’s publishing on the web teacher was Mr. McFarland. He was a good guy, but he was a chump. Ryan Wilson and company got away with doing absolutely nothing in that class. They spent the entire period playing games and generally messing around, and they still got A’s.
Ryan really became a well-known figure his sophomore year. He showed his genius in Mr. Oppezzo’s humanities world history class, and awed all who heard him speak. Mr. Oppezzo’s class was where Ryan met his true love—Marla Minsart, a cheerleader. Ryan loved her because she was the nicest girl he’d ever met. He asked her to the homecoming dance, but she said no, and later she made it clear that she had no romantic interest in him. Ryan was heartbroken, especially when later that year she went to the Sadie Hawkins dance with his arch-nemesis, Jason Marsiano. Jason was one of Shasta High School’s biggest jerks, and needless to say, Ryan was very dismayed to see Marla go out with him. Luckily she got rid of Marsiano soon after. Ryan still loves Marla to this day, but he no longer tries to fight a war he will never win.
Sophomore year, Ryan enrolled in the humanities program. His humanities English teacher was Ms. Champagne for part of the year, but she was gone for the majority of the year because of back problems. For the majority of the year, Ryan’s English teacher was Mrs. Collier. This was the year that Ryan found out that he was an excellent writer. He wrote a short story about utopia, which by all accounts was the best one in the class.
One day, in Ryan’s English class, Mrs. Collier put pictures of different sites from around the world on the board. The class divided up into teams to find out the name and location of each of the sites. They weren’t obvious ones like the Eiffel tower, either. Ryan Wilson’s team won of course.
In history class, Ryan frequently corrected his history teacher and he always had something interesting or insightful to say about history. For instance, Mr. Oppezzo once said that the first shots of the Civil War were fired at Bull Run, but Ryan corrected him and said that it was at the battle of Fort Sumpter. His history teacher thought that Ryan was great, despite, or perhaps because of the fact the he corrected him so much. It was because of this class that Ryan became a well-known person at Shasta High School. Word of Ryan’s historical genius spread throughout the school, and even AP/Honors students looked to him for historical information. Ryan could have taken AP himself but he didn’t because football was too time consuming.
Because people started talking to Ryan, he now had a chance to come out of his shell. He began to show his true outgoing colors, and people began to like him. He made friends with the right people—cheerleaders—and soon he was on the road to popularity. By the end of the year, there were very few people who didn’t like Ryan Wilson. This was also the year that Ryan Wilson made his first tackle.
Ryan’s math teacher was Mr. Loverde, and while Loverde was a nice guy, Ryan learned little in his class. Ryan never was very good at math, and thanks to the bull-dyke Miss Thompson, he was way behind in his math skills.
Ryan’s biology teacher was Mr. Schwerdt. Biology class had moments when it was fun. For instance, the time when Ryan got to create a baby with Jackie Marossy. What they did was use Punnet squares to combine our DNA and then draw a picture of the result. They had the best looking baby in the class. Another fun thing was… oh; wait, there were no other fun things in biology.
Ryan Wilson’s old French teacher, Ms. Youngman, went back to Georgia to be with her family, and the new French teacher was a lawyer named Mrs. Bennett. That year in French class, Ryan was the golden child and could do no wrong. That made for a fine year de la classe de Français. At the end of the year, Ryan signed up for the 2003 trip to France.
That summer, Ryan applied for a job at Holiday, a Northstate grocery chain, in order to pay for his upcoming trip to France. He got the position of courtesy clerk (fancy name for box boy) at the store in his neighborhood, and enjoyed it very much at first. He met some nice people there. As a matter of fact, some of his co-workers who were cheerleaders at Anderson High School were very nice. He made minimum wage, but he saved and invested wisely, and he amassed a sizeable amount of money for a teenager. His manager, Sam Sillacci, was an ex-football player and he got along with Ryan pretty well.
During his sophomore year, Ryan had signed up to be a link leader. He was accepted, and he spent a day leading freshmen around the campus. Because he didn’t run his crew with an iron fist, most of the little brats ran off to be with their friends. Ryan learned valuable lesson for the next time he would run a link crew…
Ryan enrolled in junior humanities the next year. His history teacher was Mrs. Carr, his English teacher was Mr. and Mrs. Aase (it alternated), and his American art teacher was Mr. Howland.
Mrs. Carr didn’t make as blatant history mistakes as Mr. Oppezzo did. Instead, she seemed to subscribe to many historical conspiracy theories, so Wilson had a much harder time correcting her since he couldn’t really prove her wrong. She was a good history teacher though. Ryan Wilson suspects that she was a radical in the sixties. She says that she’s been tear gassed four times, but she would never tell us how that happened. She was kind of like, “I was just walking down the street, not in a protest, and suddenly there was a tear gas canister, and dogs, and fire hoses. “
To Mr. Aase, everything was a metaphor for sex. Ryan Wilson thinks that Mr. Aase had memorized all of Freud’s theories. Evidently, the ocean, beach, and piers are all sexual metaphors. Some of the things Ryan learned in that class, he wishes he hadn’t.
Mrs. Aase was a perpetually cheery person, and sometimes her class smelled funny; kind of like the art class… She also had a habit of turning off Channel1 at the drop of a hat. Eric Shackelford, Chris Stevens, some of the other guys, and Ryan Wilson all joked around the whole year and pretended like we were hitting on Mrs. Aase.
What can you say about Mr. Howland? He’s an art teacher. One time they noticed a very suspicious smell in his class, but they could never prove anything.
Ryan’s favorite humanities activity that year was the Ellis Island project. He dressed up as an immigrant and went through a mock Ellis Island run by seniors. Ryan’s story was that he was fleeing the troubled Emerald Isle and was headed for Springfield, Illinois. He made it through the checkpoints okay until ALD decided to sexually harass him at the medical station. He started yelling, “Virgin” at the top of his lungs when Wilson said that he had no STD’s. Then ALD brought Maya over and said, “Would you have sex with her?” At that point, Mr. Aase removed ALD from the simulation.
Another humanities assignment that Ryan enjoyed immensely was the decades project. The assignment was to create a stage performance to entertain and tell about the history of a decade from the 50’s to the 90’s. At first Ryan was going to choose the 50’s for his decade, since people say he was made for the 50’s, but Ryan didn’t want to be in the same group as Chris-Anne, so he switched to the 70’s group with Jordan Anderson and Katie Corby. They put together a good performance in which Wilson sang a rendition of the Balcony song from “Evita,” with the words changed to fit Richard Nixon.
A couple of less notable activities that Wilson participated in the humanities program were the Ashland trip and the San Francisco trip. In San Francisco, Wilson saw a Stomp performance. In Ashland, he saw a play called “Daughters of the Revolution.” It was a sleep-inducing play about a man trying to find out who was informing the FBI about his activities in the 1960’s. Ashland is full of hippies.
Ryan Wilson actually had a good math teacher that year. Mrs. McIntosh isn’t a well-liked teacher by any means, but she knows how to teach math. She brought Ryan up to the level that he should have been at as a junior. He didn’t enjoy the class, but he learned in it.
Ryan was a T.A. for Mr. Oppezzo’s 5th period A.P. European history class that year. He met some of the greatest people he knows in that class. His favorite person that he met was Nicole McGovern. She is a sweet girl who was always kind to him. Some of the people in that class were nothing more than sycophants who hoped that befriending Wilson would help their grades. He discovered which ones were the sycophants when at the end of the year they started being jerks to him. The ones who befriended Ryan for genuine reasons were Nicole McGovern, Heather Sanders, Karina Martinez, Chase Ratley, Anne Green, Alicia Perry, and Caitlin Mulrenin. Those people hold a special place in Ryan’s heart for being true in the midst of so much brown-nosery.
Ryan Wilson went to the Junior Prom with Samantha Lanctot. Neither of them had been able to find a date for the prom, and three days before prom night, Jordan Anderson convinced Wilson to ask Samantha. Ryan didn’t even know who Samantha was, and he fully expected to be rejected, but he figured that he had nothing more to lose, so he asked, and she said yes. Wilson immediately set about making arrangements. He was eternally grateful to Jordan for what she had done. Ryan was very excited because he had never been on a date before. On Prom night, after they went to dinner, they got to the Prom early along with Samantha’s friend, Shannon, and Shannon’s date, Mckee Geddy. Mckee suggested that they all get in his car and drive around for a while. They did, and he drove them to a vista. He said, “let’s get out.” Wilson opened the door and looked at the ground and said, “That’s mud out there. I don’t think it would be a good idea to get out.” Mckee did anyway, but none of the other three did. You see, Mckee was high. They all knew it, but he denied it. Eventually he got back in the car, looked at the sky and said, “Dude, I saw this movie once. I want to get my room painted like that.” Everyone was silent at that point, trying to figure out what he was talking about. Wilson broke the silence and said, “Weren’t you just talking about a movie?” They all laughed, except for Mckee. Eventually Wilson and his date drove back to the senior nutrition center and had a good time. After the Prom they went to Denny’s with a group of people, but neither Samantha nor Ryan ate anything, since they had already had dinner. The next week, Ryan asked Samantha if she would like to go see a movie. She agreed to go to the movies after Easter vacation, because she was going to be gone for a week. Wilson would be gone as well. He was traveling to the Land of the Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys.
Ryan departed from San Francisco International Airport on a 737 bound for Houston. In Houston, there was a layover. Wilson changed some of his money and got something to eat. He boarded an AirFrance Boeing 777 and flew off into the wild blue yonder. 777’s have three rows of seats: one on the left side of the plan, one in the middle, and one on the right. Unfortunately, Wilson was seated in the middle row, so he did not get to look out the window at Ireland or the Canadian wilderness that he flew over. All he could do was call up the map on the screen in the back of the seat in front of him and see what part of the world they were currently over. He couldn’t even carry on a conversation with the people next to him because they were old French ladies, and he wasn’t advanced enough in his knowledge of French to know how to strike up a conversation. He landed at Charles De Gaulle Aéroport outside of Paris. His group met up with a British tour guide who was to lead them to their hotel. They drove into Paris on a touring bus and checked in at the Hotel Mercure. They met their tour guide there. She was a Frenchwoman who had moved to Alabama.
The first thing they did was go to the Musée D’Orsay. It was mostly a modern art museum. It had things like furniture arrangements in it. Since Wilson thinks modern art is crap, he didn’t enjoy the museum very much.
That night, they went to the Eiffel Tower. They got to the tower by taking the Metro to Trocadero Square. Trocadero Square is where Hitler stood in the famous video of him glaring at the Eiffel Tower. Ryan Wilson stood in the same spot. At the Eiffel Tower, Ryan bought a ticket to the top (there are three levels, each more expensive than the last). At the top, he took pictures of Paris, some of which didn’t turn out because it was too dark. He was supposed to meet his group at the bottom at 10:00, but the elevator on the tower is very slow, the stairs were closed, and there was a massive line to the elevator. He didn’t get to the bottom until 11:00, and he couldn’t find his group. He was about to set out on his own and try to find his hotel, but just before he left the Tower Square, he found the tour guide, Mrs. Bennett, and some of the people from his group. Bennett and the tour guide were not happy, though the other teenagers were perfectly happy to be out late at night in Paris.
The next day, they got to Notre Dame in time for Palm Sunday Mass, which Ryan Wilson stayed for part of. Notre Dame is a magical place, and it was Ryan’s favorite part of the whole trip.
They went to the Palace of Versailles. It still has most all of the King’s art and furniture in it. It was a very nice place, and Ryan enjoyed it there. He wants one of those.
They went to dinner and then took a boat ride down the Seine, where Ryan met a couple of French girls and, yeah. Anyway, moving on, Ryan took pictures of all the bridges and of interesting things on the bottom of the bridges, such as rungs where they used to tie up boats.
They went to the Louvre on their last day in Paris, but they only spent an hour there, and Ryan Wilson never got to see the Mona Lisa. On the bus tour around Paris, Ryan took a picture of the U.S. embassy from the bus as an in-your-face to the Gendarmes Nationale who hadn’t let him take a picture of his own damn embassy the other day. They got on the TGV train to Avignon, where they boarded a bus bound for the Middle of Nowhere. The bus stopped at the Pope’s Palace before going non-stop to the Middle of Nowhere. They spent the night at a ranch turned hotel in the Middle of Nowhere called le Chateau de Val Ceze. That was where Mrs. Bennett decided to be a bitch and tell him that he talks too much. She lied and said that all you can hear on her videotape is Ryan talking. When they watched the video back in the USA, you couldn’t hear Ryan once. Ryan actually didn’t talk much because he didn’t like many of the people he was there with. In fact, he wishes he’d killed one of them while he had the chance. We won’t go into which one.
They left the Middle of Nowhere the next morning and headed for various small mountain villages and ultimately Nice. In Nice, they saw a Russian Orthodox Cathedral that seemed to be solid gold. They also spent a few hours in Monaco, which is only a few miles away. In Monaco they went to the palace gardens. It seems like everyone in Monaco owns a helicopter, a yacht, or both.
Ryan spent much time at the beach in Nice. He took many pictures, not of the nude girls on the beach, no sir-ee. And that was when a gay Frenchman hit on him. Ryan couldn’t figure out what he was saying because he was speaking too fast. As he was walking away, he realized what the fag had said, and exclaimed, “Oh my God!”
They left France from Nice International Airport. There was a layover in Munich, and then it was nonstop to SFO. On Saturday of the week after Ryan got back, he went to the movies with Samantha. They saw “Chicago,” which is a modern musical about murder and adultery in the 1930’s.
Ryan quit his job at Holiday. It had really gone down hill since the manager, Sam Sillacci, got fired. They got a new manager who did nothing, and so the idiot assistant manager was really in charge. Ryan’s hours were constantly being cut, and he was passed over for promotions to clerk that were rightfully his. This baffled Ryan for a while, but eventually he figured out what was happening. All of Ryan Wilson’s hours and promotions were going to certain girls. It became very obvious that the assistant manager was being played. So Ryan wrote a letter of resignation in the style that he felt Thomas Jefferson would have used.
On June 11th, Ryan Wilson went to the website of GolemLabs game developers. He was looking for technical answers about a game that he owned called SuperPower. He registered at their forum and began participating in conversations that he found interesting. He quickly became a prominent member. He also quickly earned an arch nemesis name RedCommunist. RedCommunist was upset that although he had been there longer than Ryan (who styled himself “White Knight”), Ryan was about to pass RedCommunist in number of posts. RedCommunist began to whine like a little girl and insult Ryan as much as he could. Ryan believes that RedCommunist needs to get a life.
There was also a person there who called himself General Lenin. He claimed that his real name was James Wilson, and that he worked at the Pentagon, but everything he told us were lies.  We discovered this when he got arrested in Oklahoma for stealing tens of thousands of dollars from the Republican Party. One of the forum members found an article on it. It turns out that Jeremy Pinson (his real name) was actually a 310 pound 17 year old from Oklahoma. Right now he is enjoying the company of Bubba. HAHA, BITCH!
The rest of the cast was: Kneel4_Communist, the ranting Chinese kid from Maine, who had only a rudimentary grasp of the English language, Roktiken, the staunch anti-American from Canada, BenderBRodriguez, the drunken Mexican (Belgian) robot, UnionBuster, the all forum-powerful moderator who never explains his actions to anyone, because he doesn’t have to since J.R. let’s his mods do whatever the hell they want, Jeane-Rene, the CEO of the company, and forum regular, Martin Hohner, who seems to always have a long dissertation at his fingertips, DePaul28, one of Ryan’s allies, Tragic, a pimp from New York, and Kondor, a supremely arrogant anti-American (he rejoices in American deaths) who claims that he was in the infantry, which no one believes because Kondor acts like the exact opposite of what you would expect a veteran to act like. Also, I once looked at his profile and saw that it said his birthday was December 31st, 1969, and when Wilson questioned him about his age, he gave Wilson an entirely different year and date. He is just another General Lenin.
Ryan joined the Navy in July, after getting a call from Navy recruiter, Senior Chief Petty Officer John Harvey. Wilson decided that the Navy was the best way to get a college education. He took the ASVAB, scored a 95 out of 99, then signed up for linguistics and took a second test called the DLAB, the details of which are classified. He scored a 118 out of 130 on the DLAB, which was the second highest score they’d seen at the Sacramento test center. He took the military physical at MEPS in Sacramento, passed, and then went to the job counselor in the same building. First, they had Wilson choose a ship date. He chose the earliest date he could, which was June 29th. Then the counselor said that there were no seats open at the language school for the date he would be set to go there, and that Wilson could either delay his entry or choose something else. Wilson said he’d like to choose something else, and the job counselor said he qualified for anything, “even I.S.” Wilson asked what I.S. was, and the counselor said it stood for intelligence specialist. He printed out a job description and said that the description was vague because many of the details are classified, and since that made it sound totally awesome, Ryan chose that job. He swore the Oath of Enlistment, and was now a United States Sailor.
Wilson lead a link crew again this summer, but this time he was prepared. Most of his group was well behaved, but there was one girl who kept mouthing off and trying to escape. Wilson had learned from his past experience in link. Whenever she talked back to him, he’d zap the hell out of her with his cattleprod. She tried to escape a couple of times. The first time she tried to escape, Wilson fly-tackled her, and the second time she tried to escape, Wilson’s partner, Hunter Whitten, lassoed and then hogtied her. Yippee ki-ay, motherfucker.
His senior year in high school was to be easy, since most of his requirements were complete. He dropped athletic P.E. after football season ended, thus leaving him with no first period class. He was a T.A. for Mrs. Carr second period, and sixth period was choir. That left him with only three real classes. Sweet.
Wilson’s English teacher was Mr. Kikut. Now, the only thing Wilson hates more than English class is English teachers.
He was signed up to be an Ellis Island official that year. In his own words, this is what happened: “At Shasta High School, the Junior Humanities program does a simulation in which they turn the library into 1906 Ellis Island. The Junior Humanities kids are the immigrants. The former Junior Humanities kids (like me), who are now seniors, are the INS officials. We pretty much have carte blanche to do whatever we want to do to the juniors during the simulation. The simulation was today. I got to spend three hours doing it instead of going to classes. I was officially signed up for the character check, (although I did the work of a guard too) which is where I check to see if the immigrants are: agnostics, anarchists, atheists, communists, convicts, wackos, whores, or anything else I decide to look for. I also got to change their names to whatever I pleased. Some of the names I gave people were: Buckwheat, Smirnoff (as in Smirnoff Ice; he was Russian), Aguilera (as in Christina), Oliver Twist, Dick Christmas, and Dick Trickle. The guy who's last name I changed to Aguilera said, "Thank you sir. I like it very much." To which I responded, "Good. You'd better. Now go to health!" There was another guy who, while I was standing there trying to fill out his paperwork, started shouting to his brother, whom he had gotten separated from. I got within one inch of the guy's face (Marine Drill Instructor style) and screamed, "SHUT UP!!!" at the top of my lungs. He did. Also, since I took on some guard duties just for the fun of it, I got to push the immigrants around as well as generally hassle them. Allison Keller had me frisk one guy because she suspected that he was hiding vodka somewhere on his person, since he was from Russia. So she says, "Hey Ryan, could you frisk this guy? He's from Russia, and I think he's hiding vodka." So I slammed him (just like a cop would) up against the bookshelf on the north wall and shouted, "Up against the wall, scumbag!" I then proceeded to frisk him, (as thoroughly as a cop would, if you catch my drift) while Allison stood there and giggled. He had no contraband. We were totally allowed to manhandle these kids, and there were about 15 guards, so resistance was futile. We even set up a jail in which to put the troublemakers in the lobby of the library. One Iranian girl tried to run from the guards and bureaucrats when we found out that she was a whore. We took her down, with the assistance of some doctors, before she even ran past the health station. She went to the detention center for interrogation (yes, there were interrogators). I even messed with my fellow seniors. I did that by persuading the French exchange student to only speak French. I was the only one who understood her, and although she caught hell for refusing to speak English, she didn't break faith with me, and I made sure she didn't get deported. One girl thought that she was out of the woods when she got to the clearance station. She said, "Now that I'm through the clearance station, your guys' power just went down the toilet." We looked at her for a second, then I said, "Oh yeah? Get her, boys!" We then grabbed her and sent her back to the very beginning. Later on, when she was past the clearance station again, and was in line for the Oath, she kept having a bad attitude, so we kept sending her to the back of the line, the beginning of the process, or the detention center for more interrogation. She was sooo pissed by the time she finally got to the Loyalty Oath Station. When she finally got there, Chris-Anne Haines saw that the girl was pissed off, and so harassed her into pulling an attitude once again. When the immigrant did that, Chris-Anne had me and three other guards (talk about overkill) grab the girl, and drag her to detainment. When she got back to the Oath Station again, Chris-Anne asked me to escort the troublemaker. I did. I stood next to the brat in my fake class A army shirt with my arms crossed all intimidatingly-like; like a bouncer- you know what I mean. She then got sent to detainment or the back of the line several more times before she finally became a citizen. Once there were no more immigrants at the character station, a bunch of the character girls and I stood on chairs so as we could look over the divider into the women's health station. I saw this one junior bitch that I hate, and I then proceeded to inform the doctor that she has Crabs. I managed to make life harder for her, and that really made me happy. The senior girls were brutal to the junior girls. I think that they were the most merciless people in the whole simulation. You see, powderpuff, although it is several weeks gone, really brings out the mean in the girls, especially the seniors. So the senior girls now take every chance they can get to abuse the junior girls. Whenever a junior girl got to stations where senior girls were officiating... God help her. First off, the seniors accused nearly everyone of them of being whores, and told them that they looked like whores, second, they sicced the guards on every junior girl who even blinked the wrong way, third, at the health station, they made them read an eye chart that had obscure symbols on it that very few people knew the names of. There were many more abuses than that, but I just don't remember or know of them all. Also, sometimes people would accidentally walk past the Vocation Check Station straight to the Character check station. When that happened, I would step out in front of them suddenly and thump them in the chest, and say something like, "Why the hell were you trying to sneak past that station, huh? You some kinda communist bomber trying to sneak into my country and steal my guns and Bibles?! GUARDS! We got ourselves a suspicious one. I think he's a damned red. Better take him to interrogation. You two, grab his legs. You two, grab his arms. Carry him there like a tied hog. I don't want him making a break for it." And if he tried to speak up, we would rough him up a bit until he shut his mouth. If he tried to resist, then we really handled him.”
Ryan Wilson was nominated homecoming king for the first time during football season. It came as a complete surprise to him, because he didn’t know he was that popular. He ended up coming in second place. His skit was him dressing up as Britney Spears and prancing around like a ho’, while his partner, Amy Andrews dressed up like Justin Timberlake.
Later that year, he was nominated again, and came in second again. Then he was nominated for prom king, and came in second. He isn’t bitter though; second place out of the whole senior class and five candidates isn’t bad.
He didn’t have a girlfriend that year, but had various flings, which he doesn’t feel the need to go into detail about. He decided that girlfriends are too expensive and since he was leaving June 29th, there was no point.
He became a chorus member for the Shasta High musical, “Hello Dolly!” He was a policeman, Fritz the Waiter, and a regular person in the musical. It was the best part of his senior year.
His dance partners were, in order of appearance, junior Caitlin Mulrenin, freshman Kelsey O’Lea, Alicia Perry, and Anné Ransom. He did some totally awesome lifts with them. These lifts cannot be described with words; you’d need to see them to believe them.
Closing night was Saturday, and after the show there was a cast party at Dolly’s house. Ryan Wilson stayed there until about three O’ clock, and then didn’t sleep when he got home, because if he did, the chances of him waking up on time for church were slim.
By the time he got to church, he had been awake for nearly 24 hours. He is in his church’s choir, and he kept falling asleep in front of the congregation that day. When he got home, he still couldn’t go to sleep because he had to write this autobiography. By the time he did go to sleep, he had been awake for more than 30 hours. He is still catching up on sleep.
He went to the senior prom with a junior cheerleader named Caitlin Williamson. The funny thing is, she had a boyfriend at the time she went to the prom with Ryan. Whatever. Wilson wore a kick-ass tuxedo that looked like the kind they wore at the end of the 19th century.
Now Wilson has nothing left. Track season is over, the musical is fini, there are no more dances to look forward to… somebody please shoot me while I’m still happy.